Their laughter carried down the small apartment hallway louder than the crash of the dice rolling across the table at times. They shouted short victories over one another, which seemed to get louder the longer they played, and the later the night grew, the more beer they drank. The sounds of life that she was comfortably familiar with that had no sense of safety for her at all, yet offered as much hope for that feeling as did her Raggedy Ann & Andy sleeping bag that she wouldn’t give up just because the zipper was broken. It covered her head at night – it was her blanket, and as long as she had it, she could pretend no one would see her underneath it and she didn’t have to see out of it, so she was safe if anything bad happened like a killer coming in her room. She was terrified of that.
She tried to listen to the mumbled conversations in the next room until the music began. She wanted to be out there with them tonight. But the only time she heard anything from them, other than the laughter was when one- in taking turns, would come in to tell her that she if she didn’t stop crying they were going to shut her bedroom door and she would have to sleep in the dark for the rest of the night. Than she could cry all night if she wanted too but, it would be in the dark. Her stepdad came in with the last warning, shutting her in the blackness alone, screaming, begging, and crying for some few minutes. “To teach her a lesson”- they weren’t kidding around - she needed to shut up and go to sleep-now.
She was beyond terrified of the dark, and he left her in it. The dark was an occasional punishment; seldom used. Bad things happened in the dark, she knew it. They knew it. No one listens when you are in the dark. She knew that too. Her bedtime ritual every night the past 2 years was to pile up books, toys and teddy bears to reach the shades and pull them down until they touched the floor. She thought if she could erase the window from the room with the shades maybe she could forget it was even there. Her mom would get mad at her, but never spank her for it.
There had been a different window, a different apartment, when she just 4. She saw him there, that stranger looking in. She never took her eyes off his shadow, but she cried and screamed for her mom. No one was listening, and by the time they came in the room, he was in her bedroom. He was standing right by her. She didn’t know him. Her new dad was fighting him. That’s all she remembers. She couldn’t sleep in the dark again after that.
Tonight that little girl needed love. She needed to be held, to be told she was wanted and that she wasn’t a bad girl at all. She wanted to be comforted and promised that they wouldn’t make her cry anymore. She needed them to say they were sorry to her. They had been mean to her all day. They made fun of her in front of her cousin. Today’s joke was not a kind one, it was horrible and she didn’t understand why her mom and dad would scare her that way. She didn’t understand why her cousin got to stay up late and be with the while she had to go to bed now. But she knew she wished she could go away forever, and not have to be alive anymore.
She thought about the morning and how happy she was when her cousin, Abby finally arrived! She had waited and watched for her uncle’s car to turn in the drive way from the second story balcony with focused attention and uncontainable anticipation most of the morning. To them, she was irritably hyper so the balcony was a good place for her. She had cleaned her room and picked up the living room, calling her aunt twice to see why they hadn’t come yet. She couldn’t hold her baby brother yet, he was sick from something he got in the hospital, she didn’t understand, but she couldn’t wait to hold him someday! He was so little and cute! A tiny baby, like her dolls, only he moved and cried. She never got sad that he needed their mom’s attention more. He was her brother now.
Abby was her closest cousin and her best friend. They spent as much time as they could together –every weekend. Abby was a little older than her, but they had a strong bond and had grown up together, they spent all their time together. Abby was her protector. But today, she couldn’t protect her. Today’s surprise was a lot different, and neither girl would ever forget it.
They had just stepped out into the Saturday morning sunshine when he ran towards them. It was a man, in a mask, and a long black jacket, dressed in all black clothes, and he was calling her name. The girls ran. While Abby ran to get help, she went the other way, going as fast as her legs would push her until tripping on a rock in the small open field by the apartment. She had lost her glasses before rolling over and curling up on her back to cover herself from the monster man. He hovered over her now, laughing at her as she lay crying, her hands and face caked with dirt.
They watched from the balcony of the apartment as the little girl ran around the garage horrified and frantic. She could hear them laughing. It was another “lesson” they told her, “not to wander too far away from the apartment” Tonight she wanted her grandma. Tonight she knew she didn’t belong in the world at all, that this wasn’t her home and nobody loved her. She was just a “stupid little fat girl! Why cant you just go away?” she thought, the same thoughts rambled in her head like always.
She thought about the man on the moon and wondered if he could inside her house like Santa and God could. Could he see how sad she always was? She wondered if he was friends with God? She hugged Ann & Andy tighter, trying not to cry too loud and whispered out loud.
Dear Mr. Man on the Moon” she began “my name is Alecia, I am 6 years old and I live with my mom and my other dad and my brother. Can you see me? I know there is lots of people to look over but can you please help me? Can you hear me?” her voice trailed on in rasping syllables. She had heard a little about God, and about Heaven and she knew that they were above the clouds. She knew Heaven was good, and you go there when you die, and she knew that God loved little kids the best! She saw a picture once of angels on top of the clouds, little ones and big ones, pretty ones with wings but she had no idea what it all meant, and no idea of what she was actually wishing the man on the moon would grant her, but she asked.
“I am sad” she said, “ I don’t want to be sad no more. When you talk to God, will you ask him if he will let me come to Heaven and live? I don’t have to have wings, but they would be pretty and I will take care of them. Please? She begged…..
